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Why I Love My Child’s Temper Tantrums

 

Crying

Margo, 4 1/2, had been acting really aggressive towards her 2 year old sister for several days. No amount of asking her to “Be gentle” or “How would you feel if somebody did that to you” was working. Everyone in the house had been worn down from weeks of recovering from the flu. On top of that, I had been working full time on a two week contract. Where usually, I would be able to stay home with the kids and help us all to recover, I had not been available much. The kids had been clingy and grumpy. A big storm was brewing and finally, the time came that I had the energy to deal with it.

So, Margo pushed her sister (again). I got down on my knees and said, “No, I won’t let you keep hurting your sister.” I held her arms gently, but firmly and looked into her eyes, even though she looked away. She looked down to her hairbrush on the floor, which recently had broken, and said, “I’m just upset because my hairbrush broke!“. Then, she started to cry.

It was not all of a sudden a worry that her hairbrush had broken (it had been broken all week), it was just that she was looking for some trigger to start her emotional release. I picked her up, plopped down in the chair with her and she started to cry even harder. She started to struggle and arch her back to try and get away. I did not let her go. I held her gently, but firmly and said, “I know you’re upset, but I’m right here, I’m not going away.

She started blabbering and kicking. “I want to pee. I’m too sweaty, let me go! I hate when you do this. Stop looking at me! I want to eat something.” etc. It was a temper tantrum and I was so happy it was finally happening! I acknowledged what she was saying and sometimes told her, “Not now, we can do that later” and made sure to keep eye contact when I could. She cried hard for about ten minutes. A few more tremors came bubbling up after the big cry, and then she sat peacefully in my lap, her body relaxed and her mind calm.

In the meantime, Goldie, her little sister, had been watching and had been getting rather upset and wanted me to pick her up. She also had some major emotions cooking. As soon as Margo had settled, I said, “Next!” Margo hopped off, and sat on the couch nearby. She giggled a little, because she knew that Goldie also had to get her cry out. I picked the little one up, and without any prompting, Goldie did the exact same thing. Crying and struggling to get away, although she really wanted to stay in my lap. Saying all sorts of crazy things like, “I want boobies. I want my waterbottle. I have to poo. I want ice cream.” After about ten minutes, she stopped crying, she looked at me and said, “Mum, I just want to huggle.” And then, she sat still in my arms for about five minutes, breathing softly and snuggling while I stroked her hair.

Ahhh… then, guess what? The kids stopped fighting! They stopped clinging and they stopped whining. My peace of mind resumed. The emotions were out. Gone! Poof! This is how crying works its magic. For babies, the crying is called ‘cry-in-arms‘ although, the crying for older kids can be done in or out of arms, so long as you are present and responsive to their need to cry. It’s very simple. It’s extremely effective. And, it’s done in a loving supportive way. Actually, Goldie had another release later on that day, but it was a much smaller one. I also suspect that Margo will have another one soon. As, tonight she told me that she had another one brewing. Sometimes these things accumulate and a child may need several releases in order for their emotions to come out. But, once is out, it’s out!

Signs that a child may need a good cry can be

  • aggression (hitting, biting, pushing, kicking, pulling)
  • whining/complaining
  • excessive, dramatic clinging to something or somebody or wanting ‘up’, then ‘down’ over and over
  • excessive night waking or overstimulation that causes difficulty falling asleep
  • refusal to cooperate (although this can also be remedied through play)

Allowing the crying to happen is my secret parenting tool. Just letting them cry and rage for however long or however hard, when they have the emotional need to. Never crying alone and always being supported when they cry. Children won’t go on crying if they don’t have the need to. Only the most trained actors in the world can force a cry, and for children, it’s not possible. Of course, I don’t go around giving my children reasons to cry. I do my best to keep them happy and healthy and I always do my best to attend to their physical needs. But, when emotions come bubbling up, and I see their need to cry, then I certainly don’t do anything to stop it from happening.

Society’s Hang Ups With Crying
Crying is very misunderstood in our society. Many people are very uncomfortable with the idea of letting their baby or child cry because we’ve been raised to believe that crying is bad or a sign of weakness or helplessness or that something is wrong. We do have to pay special attention to differentiate our baby’s cries for things like food, being uncomfortable or in pain. But, we really need to change out attitude towards crying in general, to recognize that it is actually a very natural and powerful tool for relieving stress and promoting emotional well being. Remember how good you feel when you’ve had a good cry in the presence of someone who is loving and caring? It’s the same for a child.

If you’re having trouble accepting your child’s crying, just know that it’s probably the way your own crying was handled, when you were a child. You might have to give yourself some time to get used to the idea that emotional crying is ‘ok’. We also don’t like to hear our children cry in public because we’re afraid of what people will think of us. But, I love when people see me dealing with a crying child in public. I always imagine I might be setting a good example, because you never know who is watching!

What if Your Child Won’t Cry When You Know He/She Needs To?
Parents often tell me that they recognize that their child needs to have a good cry, but the crying seems to be elusive. Here are some ways to get that cry to come out in a gentle way.

  • Wait until they hurt themselves or get upset. This will naturally just happen, no matter what you do to try and avoid it. You may find that they cry much harder than their relative injury or upset. This is your chance to move in and let them cry, uninterrupted, for as long as they need to (of course, as long as they don’t require immediate medical attention).
  • Set a loving limit when they make unreasonable requests. Of course we want to accommodated our children’s desires if reasonable, but sometimes they start asking for ridiculous things. If they ask for boobie for the hundreth time in a hour, or if they first want the red cup, then the blue cup, then the red cup again… it’s ok to say, “No.” Saying “No” will usually elicit a cry.
  • Hold your child, gently, but firmly when they are acting out. Hold back that hitting arm, or the kicking leg. Kids sometimes need something holding them so they can physically push back. If you don’t feel comfortable with this approach, or if you don’t have the strength to hold a wiggling child, you can just follow your child around. You certainly don’t need to pick your child up if they are crying freely and don’t want to be picked up. Sometimes a child will stop crying if you hold them and sometimes the child’s cries will intensify if you hold them. It’s just important to be there and respond to their need to cry appropriatly. Even if he or she tells you to go away, just say something like, “No, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” It’s also  important to not let them hurt you or any break any of your stuff. My kids will often tell me to go away or to not look at them, even though it is the opposite of what they want! For example, on days when I haven’t paid enough attention to Margo, and she’s about to have her cry, I’ll go close to her and she’ll keep saying, “Stop looking at me!!” But, what she really has wanted all day was my attention! Staying close to them may seem to work them up even more. But, remember, the goal is not to ‘calm‘ them down, it’s to get that crying or raging out that needs to help release their negative, pent up emotions. The calming down part will come later.

Of course, we want to avoid upsets to our children, but even when we do our best, children are bound to become frustrated or angry. Even babies get frustrated and upset and can benefit from a ‘cry-in-arms‘ (with babies, it’s extra important to make sure that all of their physical needs have been met first and that they are never left alone to cry). I’m so grateful to have heard about cry-in-arms when my older daughter was a baby. It changed my attitude towards crying and has made my life so much easier as a parent. There’s an entire book written on this topic, it’s called Tears and Tantrums, by Aletha Solter, I highly recommend reading it!

Disclaimer: Excessive crying or painful cries should never be taken lightly, as they could be indication of a serious problem. The advice is to never leave your child alone to cry, however, if you should feel violent towards your child when he or she is crying, please do step away, take a breather and ask somebody for help. 

 

About katesurfs

Kate is an American living in Australia with her husband and two young children. She holds a Masters of Educational Practice and is a high school science teacher by profession, but mostly she stays at home with her children. She is a yoga and meditation teacher, trained through the Art of Living Foundation, a surfer, a vegetarian, and healthy conscious. She is an Aware Parenting
Instructor, as well as a Know Your Child Teacher.

28 Responses »

  1. Such a lovely post and Aletha Solter’s books should be recommended to every person about to become a new parent. They have made such a difference in my family’s life. The only problem I have come across is when I’m just not sure if its a pain cry or emotional cry, my little one gets some real gut pain, so I am sometimes questioning the cry.

    Reply
    • Crying due to pain is also important… of course, we want to try and find a way to stop the pain. I’m pretty sure it’s been studied that crying and groaning when you are in pain is also a good release of negative emotions and can help with the healing. It’s not that we want them to keep on crying, but if there’s nothing we can do to help, other than to hold them and give them whatever remedies we can, then it’s ok to let them cry with support.

      Reply
  2. I really enjoyed this article, and will remember it in my work with children. However, I wonder about ignoring requests of “go away” or “leave me alone.”
    The tween/early teen years were rough for me. I would get emotional and start crying in my room, and my mom would come to comfort me. But I always wanted to cry alone, which I would articulate to her. She would refuse direct requests for her to leave my room. This resulted in me suppressing my emotions, and learning to cry silently, so she wouldn’t disturb me. It took me years to realize that crying was actually okay.

    Reply
    • I see what you’re saying. Of course, we want children to be able to cry freely without suppressing it. My daughter was yelling at me to go away, but she was doing her crying at the same time. Do you think that your mom never accepted your crying as a young child? Maybe that’s why it was hard for you to cry in front of her?

      Reply
  3. You are an amazing mother. I enjoy all of your bog posts – thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  4. Just lovely. I couldn’t agree more! In fact, here’s 3300 more words of agreement: http://locallocale.wordpress.com/2014/01/30/friend-of-foe-turning-childrens-upsets-into-assets-for-the-family-how-to-be-a-parent-nathan-m-mctague-empathy-parenting-advice/

    Heading off to share this stellar example of what it all really looks like! Thanks, Kate!

    Reply
  5. I’d really like to learn more about your strategy for dealing with crying in public. Do you do the same in the middle of the aisle at the supermarket? I so glad to have found your blog… such good gentle insight. 🙂 Thanks!

    Reply
    • I’m glad you found me too! I think what you’ll find, is that if you let your child cry and rage at home, they are much less likely to do it in public, as it gets it all out. But, yeah, if it does happen in public, you can ‘save’ it for later if you want, but sometimes I just let it go and sit down with them, etc. You get a few looks, but mostly I’ve gotten compassionate smiles from passerby’s 🙂

      Reply
  6. I love this so so much. Crying is healing. I wish people would understand that. We never shush our sob when he is in a tantrum (14 months old). I really wish people would start validating feelings instead of saying “you’re okay. You’re fine.” Imagine someone always trying to shush you when you’re in the middle of a good cry!

    Reply
  7. I agree that it is important to recognize big emotions and crying as part of the human experience. However, once danger has passed, it is not ok to hold onto a person who wants you to let go. Insisting upon eye contact is also a big issue. I think you mean well, but are going about it in an unsafe way if the child is telling you no and is no longer a danger. Having respect for their physical needs is how we teach them to respect others and how we teach them to 1. not be raped or bullied and 2. How not to rape or bully. Cry in arms is great if the participant wants to do this. Otherwise, leave them be. Stay nearby or chat with the child if they wish, but don’t force yourself on him/her/them.

    Reply
    • Yes, you absolutely don’t need to have them in your arms. I agree. However, in my scenario, I kept them close. When I let them go, the crying stopped and was not being released. For some children, there is no need to hold them, only to stay near. I was also not insisting on eye contact. I was looking at her only to tell her that I was emotionally available, and never once would tell her to look at me. The holding is done very gently. There is hardly any force. But, if it is done in anger, then it should certainly not be done at all. The thing is that they did want to be in my arms and once the crying was over, they wanted to sit there for a very long time.

      Reply
  8. Crying is a form of stress release, emotional tears containe more of the protein-based hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, and leucine enkephalin (a natural painkiller), all of which are produced by our body when under stress. The body will feel better after crying. Fact.
    What I find concerning is that You said you had not been available to your children therefore suggesing that your children were stressed out in the fist place. Cying is a symptom of emotional overload, tiredness or pain.
    I would look at the cause… not just be happy for them to cry it out to induce a hormone rush that then makes them feel better.
    Also if crying is the only way to gain this closeness and attention from the adult it will be a reinforced behaviour. Cying = I get what I need in what ever form (hugs, love, and that toy on the supermarket shelf) I agree that having a cry is ok and natural but there is always a cause and that needs addressing also.
    Shusshing is actually soothing as it replicates the sound in-utero, it is why it is a natural response, but shouldn’t mean shut up.

    Reply
    • I think you’re missing the point. I don’t just ignore them only to later let them cry and feel better about it. Every family gets in stressful situations, not matter how hard we try to avoid them. I could not simply have undone the previous two or three weeks of stress, once the stress had happened, it needed an outlet. Also, did you not read that children cannot force a cry. Crying is not the only way my children get closeness from an adult. Also, children cannot cry more than they need to. They will not learn to cry only to get attention.

      Reply
  9. Perfect article. Thanks Katesurfs!! This could have been a page out of my daily journal (if I kept one!). I love this approach and also see it as my ‘secret parenting tool’. I wish everyone knew about it, so thank you for helping to spread the word.

    Reply
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  15. This really resonated with me. We all need a good cry sometimes. Kids too. I’ll be practicing this with my young babe. Thanks so much for sharing.

    Reply

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